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The Principle of Respect
We spend years learning how to read, write, and speak. But what about listening? What training do we get that enables us to listen so we really, deeply understand others? Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood is about listening before we speak.
Our default tendency is to try to get our point across. In doing so, we may ignore the other person completely, pretend that we’re listening, or focus on the words and miss the meaning. At work, that means we might not fully understand a problem before we go to solve it. At home, it might mean we miss out on a chance at deeper connection with the people who matter most.
Habit 5 is about learning to suspend our desire to respond automatically. It’s about practicing a deeper and more intentional kind of listening. And then, when it is our time to be understood, it’s about expressing our point of view in a clear and articulate way that keeps our audience’s needs in mind.
Autobiographical vs. Empathic Listening
When we listen autobiographically, we turn the other person’s story into our story. We filter everything they say through our own experiences, values, and perspective.
When we listen empathically, we create space for others to share their perspective and emotions. And in the process we build a deeper sense of connection and understanding.
“If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Assume responsibility and focus on the things that can be influenced rather than what can’t.
Define clear measures for success and create a plan to achieve them—in the next few hours, over the next few months, or across a lifetime.
Listen, understand, and honor others’ perspectives, and have the courage to express thoughts and feelings respectfully.
Leverage different perspectives to solve problems, innovate, and achieve more than any one individual alone.
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